stupidity

i like the bumpy ride that a bus offers.
i'm going to pasir ris park tomorrow on my own.
it may seems absurd, but i feel that there is a need to be alone.

i want to sit at that row of benches again, facing the big blue sea, gazing at the 'kelong'.
i want to feel the sense of freedom again.
everything again.

recently, i've been very upset with a bad guy.

you just wont learn from your lessons. Why?
you know, you caused me to see a scarier side of myself, and i totally dislike this feeling. its overpowering me sometimes.
i feel like such a fool when it does. it makes me think of alot of things i should not be engaging thought in.

you are a fickle, a naughty, nasty, heartless, uncompassionate person that i happened to know in my junior years of my life.

what did you ever treated me as? i really felt like a toy - one of those stupid dolls, being under the manupilation of the player. you told me once in a text message that you never ever did and will never ever treat me as a toy. i gave a fake smile then, that was because i did not believe it. till now, i am still right i suppose.

sometimes when i set my thoughts on an issue, i will also think of the other point of view.
many a times, i chose to believe that you were harmless, and i was just the one thinking a little overboard, but it no longer seems this way. i fear you. i always told myself that i wanted you to feel pain and horrible too. that was a thought in my mind only, but i never ever meant that.

have i helped you recover from your guilt?

i dont know if you know this.
the second time you came back & left without a word again, did inflick a certain extent of hurt on me again, even though it was purely a role as a friend.
can i say that you are proficient in ' injury infliction' ?
i have always been questioning everything with the word 'why'.
so why did you come to hurt me again.
i can seriously feel that i dont care much about anything that has to do with this anymore but i just cant seem to comprehend why you chose to do it again to me?

i trusted yunxuan who told me agnes and you were under a white lie, hiding the fact from the whole wide world that you two were still together.

i knew it all along, and i am very certain i did not cross my line as a friend.

you are trying to make me into the ''baddy'' is it?
i keep on trying to forget that i had once knew you, and later had disliked you so much.

stupid. stupid. stupid.you used me as a toy. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. took me as and whenever you wanted to help you feel better. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. i was only a FOOL in your eyes. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.

you make me feel stupid. you worthless guy!



- sshhhhh... i scared her much, i must have done so.

220508

stupid!

i was concerned about you being in a foul mood and being unhappy, yet the cocky you turned yourself against us.
come on. wasnt i foolish to even care how you felt?
you !! well see, i dont even know how to explain this whole damm situation.

do not do what you dont want others to do upon you.

you are selfish.
i dislike you!
get out of me, get lost!

your selfishness and cockiness simply disgust me thoroughly! eeeeeks!

other than that bad thing, my day was wonderful.
i loved today's fun with my four little darling juniors : joanne, winnie, shinyin and alice!
WOW! they are nice, sweet, hilarious girls.
it was purely assurance that the four of you would carefully take care of my armpit, right?
that is to not leave my dearest armpit dislocated. Do you know, when i speak about you girls, it makes me so happy inside out? It is such a joy to be immersed in the company of you. you take my mind off all my unhappiness and bring great pleasure to me. I really want to announce my big ' thank you ' to all of you! Thanks.

My mum, sis and i are currently watching television - channel 8. We are enjoying this beautiful show of 'tan zou qu'. It is indeed ''my type'' of show! cool, isnt it?

damm! you are a bastard, a bastard, a bastard. i cannot stand it when you affect me. It feels like stupidity has engulfed my mind, controlling my actions and till i totally lose control of myself.
Doesnt that sound and seem scary? Yes, it is, in fact, very.

Shall i blame it on my sentimental trait?
I have not got a new one to help me take away the terrifying memories of you. you, the freak!
Please do not mould me into a freak like you, for i am too afraid of contracting the illness with a powerful name of ''bitchy-ness''.

I believe our fate will end soon, and till then, we'll be able to enjoy a pure friendship again, Am i right?

I am sincerly waiting for the occurrence of this. Please, let me off...

coincidence?

yilin has 7 rainbows
xiuxian has 6 rainbows?

yilin is listening to leona lewis - bleeding love.
xiuxian's most-sang song.

is there something in this?
it just came so coincidentally to me.
such things do occur?

the ''click''?

weird.

130508

i'm currently engaged in this sniff sniff action, because there is a little of runny nose symptom running through me.
i'm starting not to mind. well well well, isnt that a good thing?
perhaps i was once again occupied with other things which in place, took my mind of that issue.
it is positive attitude right?
i am not trying to be sarcarstic nor fake towards myself, am i?
i hope not.
yeah, i just reminded myself to laugh today.
this is because i feel the importance of laughing.
it gives me a feeling that it is a good remedy and it is a worthy thing to be doing.
please tell me it is.

isolation is good.
that point up there meant, you do not talk to me, neither do i talk to you.
another perhaps, and here it goes.
perhaps both of us are not ready to be friends again.

on my side, i dont deny, i was once again affected.
while for you, i cant be sure of anything, all the answers lie within you, and you only!

it is indeed a burden off me.
it is good to have a change in the social circle we are in.
come on, look at it in a different point of view.
we get to be exposed to different characters which will definitely enrich our personal live as well as to promote our hollistic well-being.

cool, things are getting cooler.

my nose is dripping, i need my tissue badly. haha
nature's call, i need the bathroom too.

bye bye.

090508

i feel like i'm heading in the wrong direction.
i've reduced myself back to the past.
what a disappointment, aint it?

it is just a pack of burden, a big one which i have yet to release.
though it might seem logical to throw it aside, i have not aqquired that skill to perform that task.
its almost an addiction to life. my life.

i've been given this life to take care of, and this is how i have messed it?
just at this very minute, you signed in.
oh no!

i feel the guilt. the guilt-strickened me?

all these just conclude that i was not strong enough to bear what i had in place for myself.
i could not keep up with the partial attitude, and i made myself loose it all.

do you know what i really do not wish to see happening?
i know i would detest seeing myself liking you in another way.
cause its different this time.

it might be that i do not want you in my life anymore, not even as a close friend, but a stranger. Somehow it feels that it would be better as we would not feel bad nor weird facing each other, and we would be able to face each other just like how we face others.

that simple, natural feeling, which does not conceal any emotion.
just take a little thought, wouldnt that draw a better picture?
doesnt it seem slightly more ideal than the present picture we're imersed in now?

there you came, and here you go.
Indeed as simple as that?

Apparently not.

the sufferings feel different each time, though they might have similar traits, it torture in a different way.
simple-complicated-stuff.

repeated contradictions

my day again was very disturbed.
oh well, was it something which i brought upon myself?

deep down in me, i really sincerely hoped that we could be friends again.
perhaps it is something which i can only hope for and not see it coming true.

it does feel miserable, in fact quite bothersome.
sometimes, i cannot help but to ponder about this issue.
I beleive, to a certain extent, we are both still affected by each other's movements, and happenings around us.

I'm curious, this, i have no way of denying. i'm extremely curious to know what you're thinking, what is your present opinion of me?
it is very much human nature to be inquisitive about the views others have upon me, myself.
thus, i really would want to know what am i portrayed as to you?

i try to surpress this curiosity, but i guess i am not that good at it.
i'm sure i gave myself away many times. see, its the uncontrollable emotions fooling in me, causing all these comotions and mini tidbits in my life.

MSN-its the routine. a scary routine.
I know i'm just wasting my time by being a real big fool to constantly view the msn page.

i do not know how to erase this stupidity. you are a irritant indeed.
i named you well.

blame it on my sentimental-me?
i shall grow, grow out of all these. yes, i must do it.

cheers sam!

the wanna-and-don-wanna-know feeling

oh why am i still stucked in this bothersome matter, hasnt the days lessen this feeling upon thy matter?

050508

i have 22 cadets! haha
and i love all of them =)

i gave them lollies today for MYE.
i sincerely wish them all the best! haha (:
my gals are good gals, they'll study.

i didnt get to put my bag in class today. yilin and i bumped into each other at the stairway. haha
she pei-ed me to give out my last two lollies to my biggest babies - mel and grace!

then we happily walked down to the parade ground, and i forgot to place my bag in class, resulting in me having to jaga it during the whole time. haha
i sat with yilin yifang and tricia again.
its really very fun to sit with them as we blabber really interesting hilarious HAHA-things.

many kena caught for reaching the parade ground late although they are the usual early birds in school. awww. they were pasted with a name called ''complacent''.
there were so many 43 guys that mdm chong had to proceed there to take her class's attendance.haha.

class was kinda boring. just the same routine again.
math test was a killer. that was the climax of the day.
then geography test came. it was not that the geography test was easy, but rather, i never felt like i had a kick when i did a geography test.
it was equally difficult, but i guess we all cared less.
it might be due to the teacher - ismail.
oh well, i really dont know. haha

from this day onwards, i gotto practice typing in formal english as i think it will benefit my written english work. Isnt that great?
this is one of the task i am doing to improve my english.
i got to be a good and obedient student, totally no complaceny here!

guess what?!?

i seriously got to engage myself in my chinese practices already. its 21days to chinese O level examination. I must, and i will strive for the best!

(:

debut words

if only i could lock everything in here.
yeahh. the song here, angel in disguise.

corrine may's songs are just simply wow. haha
every song is so sweet, and she made me fall in love with her voice.
what a sweet and pure thing to fall in love with.

i love you voice, forever. just like how i love yilin.
that same kind of love.