stupidity

i like the bumpy ride that a bus offers.
i'm going to pasir ris park tomorrow on my own.
it may seems absurd, but i feel that there is a need to be alone.

i want to sit at that row of benches again, facing the big blue sea, gazing at the 'kelong'.
i want to feel the sense of freedom again.
everything again.

recently, i've been very upset with a bad guy.

you just wont learn from your lessons. Why?
you know, you caused me to see a scarier side of myself, and i totally dislike this feeling. its overpowering me sometimes.
i feel like such a fool when it does. it makes me think of alot of things i should not be engaging thought in.

you are a fickle, a naughty, nasty, heartless, uncompassionate person that i happened to know in my junior years of my life.

what did you ever treated me as? i really felt like a toy - one of those stupid dolls, being under the manupilation of the player. you told me once in a text message that you never ever did and will never ever treat me as a toy. i gave a fake smile then, that was because i did not believe it. till now, i am still right i suppose.

sometimes when i set my thoughts on an issue, i will also think of the other point of view.
many a times, i chose to believe that you were harmless, and i was just the one thinking a little overboard, but it no longer seems this way. i fear you. i always told myself that i wanted you to feel pain and horrible too. that was a thought in my mind only, but i never ever meant that.

have i helped you recover from your guilt?

i dont know if you know this.
the second time you came back & left without a word again, did inflick a certain extent of hurt on me again, even though it was purely a role as a friend.
can i say that you are proficient in ' injury infliction' ?
i have always been questioning everything with the word 'why'.
so why did you come to hurt me again.
i can seriously feel that i dont care much about anything that has to do with this anymore but i just cant seem to comprehend why you chose to do it again to me?

i trusted yunxuan who told me agnes and you were under a white lie, hiding the fact from the whole wide world that you two were still together.

i knew it all along, and i am very certain i did not cross my line as a friend.

you are trying to make me into the ''baddy'' is it?
i keep on trying to forget that i had once knew you, and later had disliked you so much.

stupid. stupid. stupid.you used me as a toy. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. took me as and whenever you wanted to help you feel better. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. i was only a FOOL in your eyes. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.

you make me feel stupid. you worthless guy!



- sshhhhh... i scared her much, i must have done so.