221108

melanie, you're strong! yay! and i'm proud of you!
grace, i understand the difficulties. its hard sometimes. others feel that it is an easy task, but it isnt so.yea?

081108

everytime i watch goong, i just feel like crying with them.haha. its ''sadly nice''!

180908

oh, i'm back, after quite a long period of time.

my bag of emotions is fully filled, over-flowing! what a heavy bag, it tires me easily, and thats bad, really bad.
O levels are getting closer by the seconds, and thats somehow intimidating at times. Sitting back on my seat, feeling that everything is going to come to an end so soon makes me very sentimental again. Alot of feelings had been stirred up recently, making me slightly confused with what i want.

Nowadays, academic results seem to not be as important to me as compared to previous times, but it is superficial. yes, no matter how unhappy i feel after receiving a paper, i've learnt to not reveal loud feelings. Perhaps i've seen the need to not do so. Is this part of growing up and experiencing a much more matured life?

yeah, i like the feeling of not revealing my true feelings. somehow it makes me feel more secured to know that only me myself know what i'm thinking. recently, i've grown to have this habit of not liking others to read me like a book. Its nice to have some privacy between me and myself.

It was not too long ago that yilin mentioned to me about her ''after-effects'' of xiuxian, and so naturally it reminded me of him, arghh!

till today, we're still like enemies. wouldnt strangers be better? at least we would not have to face each other so awkwardly. no speech contact, no physical contact, we're just like strangers with a tinge of hatred for each other.

sometimes i really dislike you, yet at times i do fine you ''okay''. i have been thinking of what i shoud include in my letter to my classmates for you when we all leave amkss. Definitely, i'm going to write everyone a farewell letter, a long one. And for you, theres so much i want to say and let you know, but deep down i know that when the time comes, i would not have the courage to let you know what i've been thinking all these while. Just think about it, i lost my trust for you, lost my confidence to even look at you and how am i supposed to write you a letter? maybe if i consume ''bao zi dan''.

let us be friends again? the awkward feeling is really killing me! its so hard to not notice someone. perhaps i should continue my dislike for you, for you took me as a toy and played with me as and when you liked and wanted to. you, bad guy!

sigh. you are a big boulder which has pasrked right infront of me. it is indeed a fact that you are weird. it is scary for me because i do not know what you are thinking constantly.

and you! why did you even care when i got hit on my head? you even asked if i got hurt. why? leave me alone.you stupid imposter.IMPOSTER!
i would have appreciated it if it came from you, and of course, your phone.

oh, finally!

you changed, finally.

i was not used to it initially, but i guess i came to terms with it, and took it into my stride. cool, isnt it?
i thought you would leave a better impression of yourself in me, but you somehow ruined it all. you have cultivated my strong dislike for you! argh.

100708

its officially war!
muahahahha!

i feel nasty and bad, that is because the thought of revenge went through my mind.
i kept on telling myself i want you to feel the type of pain and misery i went through previously, oh, the one you inflicked on me. do i really mean it and want it to happen?

perhaps, & perhaps not.

i've been battling with myself very much too - whether to hit you or to tame myself to be a much more lenient one. i am aware that sometimes, i do carry things way too far, and yes, i have done things to spite you and to make you feel remorseful. i'm sorry, perhaps all the agitation forced me into these actions. i'm really sorry.

i know our ''hatings'' for each other are kind of mutual?? yeah? i didnt name that wrongly uhh.
i hereby declare that you are the weirdest friend i've ever encountered, and oh yes, i definitely have questioned myself upteen times why you and i even started in the first place last time. it seems like a matter of disgust to me now, woooh, and i'm glad i'm out of it! phew!

oh, are we putting xiuxian in a very difficult position?
hey, but just see, a friend weighs more than someone whom he/she is wooing. so, xiuxian will choose you! after all, he chose you over sk and fin. see it? sometimes, i feel that xiuxian is really foolish to shelter you time and time again. oh man, many of us feel that hasnt he learnt his lessons from all the happenings? As we can all see, the answer has been revealed clear. aint it?

you know, i'm starting to not believe myself lately. i'm afraid to hurt the people around me, yet i feel that the possibility that i use xiuxian as a revenge tool is increasing daily. though not increasing sharply, but surely, and thats very bad. It is something so against what a human should do. its a sin!

If i ever hurt xiuxian in this manner, i wont feel good neither. actually, i am uncertain whether i like him or not. do i really like him for who he is, or do i like him just to spite zh? ohno! thats so bad! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

I like yilin so much and it is so clear i do not want to loose her. I feel that though she might not object xiuxian and i being together, but definitely we'll encounter some sensitive issues, so no! i'm not going to let anyone threaten yilin and i's friendship.
it has not been stable for very long already, but nevertheless, i wont give up.
no matter how many times i have been pulled back and pushed down, i will not fail to fight on.
yilin, it is pointless in ignoring me or pushing me aside. I really hope you understand that it would not work. my friendship towards you will not be brokened nor disheartened by a few actions of ignorance. all these seriously would not work at all! i'll be your friend who always stands by you, whether you want it or not. only God can solve and change our hearts. God's miracles.

i feel dangerous. This is so, because i seem to like people quite easily, except for those whom i really find it hard to tolerate.

yingxin was just mentioning to all of us the other day in math class that lee wei jie has liked me for a year and has been wooing me for 4 months, but i really do not have feelings for such a guy even though he is nice. sorry. haha! i really do not like rudolfs okkay!

bastard zh! haha! yes, i dislike you alot!

040708

i sigh sigh sigh and sigh!

why are we still feeling that mutual awkwardness?
stupidity i think! hahaha! things have really gotto to such a weird stage? - mutual ignorance.
wow! haha! but you know what? i still choose to believe that you are a bastard who took me for a toy. perhaps if i dislike you, things might be better though it seems the opposite of what is right. haha! see, thats how the occurrence in life receal themselves to us, simply in that extraordinary way. well, could i say that there might be a method to view it?

very likely and most likely, we have always been taking it in a very childish and immature way, but come to think about these stuff, its about people complicating the issue and not the issue itself being a complicated one. reverse, reverse! haha!

OHH..only if people could study life, and only if life was like a mathematical sum, completed in a very structural manner, with hardly any variations in completing it, perhaps more things would be predicted by ourselves, and less assumptions would be made to complicate all situations. sometimes, how wonderful it feels, but on other times, it does not appeal as much.

yeah, like i mentioned to yilin, zh's image was long long disfigured, and how foolish i thought xiuxian was to go back to him. Afterall, its only my opinion, whereas its his route and of course he has to accept the consequences that come long with it. i'm not xiuxian, and so i would not see things in the way he does, & neednt to be said, i would not have felt what he has gone through. suming up, i do not understand what it feels to be a person like him.

biased! yes, thats what i think i am. haha. in this situation, i strongly do feel that i'm biased! haha!

recently, we got afraid of each other again right? i see you as a pesticide whom i fear, and i bet this feeling is mutual also! oops!